A police officer saw a car speeding down the highway.
He started chasing after the speeder . When he got close he's saw it was a blonde woman who was actually knitting while driving.
The cop yelled, "Pull over!"
The blonde shouted back, "No! It's a sweater!"

A police officer saw a car speeding down the highway.
He started chasing after the speeder . When he got close he's saw it was a blonde woman who was actually knitting while driving.
The cop yelled, "Pull over!"
The blonde shouted back, "No! It's a sweater!"

A policeman spots this Bloke walking up Royal Ave. pulling a 12 foot long rope and asks, “What do you think you are doing pulling this 12 long rope up Royal Ave.?”

The Bloke replied: “have you ever tried pushing it?”

A policeman spots this Bloke walking up Royal Ave. pulling a 12 foot long rope and asks, “What do you think you are doing pulling this 12 long rope up Royal Ave.?”

The Bloke replied: “have you ever tried pushing it?”

A police officer saw a car speeding down the highway.

He started chasing after the speeder . When he got close he's saw it was a blonde woman who was actually knitting while driving.

The cop yelled, "Pull over!"

The blonde shouted back, "No! It's a sweater!"

A police officer saw a car speeding down the highway.

He started chasing after the speeder . When he got close he's saw it was a blonde woman who was actually knitting while driving.

The cop yelled, "Pull over!"

The blonde shouted back, "No! It's a sweater!"

His girlfriend had just learned to drive the car and now they were out in the suburbs racking along over seventy. “Doesn’t speeding over the beautiful country make you glad you are alive?” she asked.

“Glad?” He raised an eyebrow. “Glad in not the word for it. I’m amazed.”

His girlfriend had just learned to drive the car and now they were out in the suburbs racking along over seventy. “Doesn’t speeding over the beautiful country make you glad you are alive?” she asked.

“Glad?” He raised an eyebrow. “Glad in not the word for it. I’m amazed.”

Looking over the log book kept by the computer support staff at my office, I noticed several entries stating the problem was PICNIC. I asked one of the technicians what PICNIC meant. He laughed as he told me it meant "Problem In Chair, Not In Computer"

Looking over the log book kept by the computer support staff at my office, I noticed several entries stating the problem was PICNIC. I asked one of the technicians what PICNIC meant. He laughed as he told me it meant "Problem In Chair, Not In Computer"

It's Christmas Eve and mom is busily preparing the last minute decorations in the family room when little Sally say: "Mom, don't forget to put out the treat for Santa next to the fireplace." Distracted, the mom thanks Sally and goes to the kitchen for Santa's treat. Later, when putting her to bed Sally says. "Mom, why did you put a can of Slim-fast next to Santa's treat?" Distracted and anxious to get back downstairs to finish the decorations mom replies. "Daddy is on a diet."

It's Christmas Eve and mom is busily preparing the last minute decorations in the family room when little Sally say: "Mom, don't forget to put out the treat for Santa next to the fireplace." Distracted, the mom thanks Sally and goes to the kitchen for Santa's treat. Later, when putting her to bed Sally says. "Mom, why did you put a can of Slim-fast next to Santa's treat?" Distracted and anxious to get back downstairs to finish the decorations mom replies. "Daddy is on a diet."

Q: What did the blonde ask Santa Claus for Christmas?

A: Five golden dings, four calling nerds, three French men, two purple gloves, and a bar fridge and a party.

Q: What did the blonde ask Santa Claus for Christmas?

A: Five golden dings, four calling nerds, three French men, two purple gloves, and a bar fridge and a party.

Three men all die on Christmas Day, and arrive at the pearly gates. Peter greets them and tells them that they are all evil men who SHOULD go to hell - but because it's Christmas, he'll let them into heaven if they have something representing the holiday with them. One of the guys has a Christmas ornament, and gets let in. Another guy has pine needles on his shirt, and gets let in. The third guy pulls out a pair of panties.

"How do those represent Christmas?" asks Peter.

"These are Carol's."

Three men all die on Christmas Day, and arrive at the pearly gates. Peter greets them and tells them that they are all evil men who SHOULD go to hell - but because it's Christmas, he'll let them into heaven if they have something representing the holiday with them. One of the guys has a Christmas ornament, and gets let in. Another guy has pine needles on his shirt, and gets let in. The third guy pulls out a pair of panties.

"How do those represent Christmas?" asks Peter.

"These are Carol's."

Two men have been sitting out on a lake all day long, ice fishing. One has been having no luck at all and the other has been pulling fish after fish out of his hole in the ice. The man having no luck finally leans over and asks the other what his secrect is.

"mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm."

"I'm sorry, what did you say?"

"mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm."

"I'm sorry, I still didn't understand you." The successful man spits something into his hand.

"You've got to keep your worms warm."

A doctor got a phone call from one of his colleagues. “We need a fourth for poker,” the voice on the phone said. “I’ll be right over,” replied the doctor. As he was putting on his overcoat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?” “Oh yes, quite serious,” he said gravely. “They’ve had to call in three other doctors as well.”

Two men have been sitting out on a lake all day long, ice fishing. One has been having no luck at all and the other has been pulling fish after fish out of his hole in the ice. The man having no luck finally leans over and asks the other what his secrect is.

"mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm."

"I'm sorry, what did you say?"

"mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm."

"I'm sorry, I still didn't understand you." The successful man spits something into his hand.

"You've got to keep your worms warm."

A doctor got a phone call from one of his colleagues. “We need a fourth for poker,” the voice on the phone said. “I’ll be right over,” replied the doctor. As he was putting on his overcoat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?” “Oh yes, quite serious,” he said gravely. “They’ve had to call in three other doctors as well.”

An optometrist was instructing a new employee on how to charge a customer. “As you are fitting her glasses, if she asks how much they cost, you say ‘$150.’ “If her eyes don’t flutter, say, ‘For the frames. The lenses will be $100.’ “If her eyes still don’t flutter, you add, ‘Each.’”

An optometrist was instructing a new employee on how to charge a customer. “As you are fitting her glasses, if she asks how much they cost, you say ‘$150.’ “If her eyes don’t flutter, say, ‘For the frames. The lenses will be $100.’ “If her eyes still don’t flutter, you add, ‘Each.’”

Walking down the street, a man hears a voice: "Stop! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down and kill you."

The man stopped; a big brick fell in front of him. The astonished man continued walking to the cross walk.

The voice shouted, "Stop! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die."

The man stood still; a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "Where the hell were you when I got married last week?"

Walking down the street, a man hears a voice: "Stop! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down and kill you."

The man stopped; a big brick fell in front of him. The astonished man continued walking to the cross walk.

The voice shouted, "Stop! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die."

The man stood still; a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "Where the hell were you when I got married last week?"

A man put in 10 puns for a pun contest, hoping that at least one of them would win. But sadly, no pun in ten did.

A man put in 10 puns for a pun contest, hoping that at least one of them would win. But sadly, no pun in ten did.

Q. Did you hear about the new magazine for married men published by Playboy?

A. It has the same pictures month after month after month after month after month....

Q. Did you hear about the new magazine for married men published by Playboy?

A. It has the same pictures month after month after month after month after month....

A guy walks into a bar, orders 12 shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender asks, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had."

The bartender asks, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cents."

A guy walks into a bar, orders 12 shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender asks, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had."

The bartender asks, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cents."

A man walks into a restaurant and is shown to his seat by the hostess. The waiter approaches and asks, "Would you like to try our house special?” The man replies, "No, just bring me a steak, and make it lean". The waiter, somewhat puzzled, looks at him and replies, "which way?"

A man walks into a restaurant and is shown to his seat by the hostess. The waiter approaches and asks, "Would you like to try our house special?” The man replies, "No, just bring me a steak, and make it lean". The waiter, somewhat puzzled, looks at him and replies, "which way?"

Simple Joe who is mad for the horses thought he had a sure winner the other day at the track. The tote board listed his horse as starting at 25 to 1, and he knew the race didn’t start until 1:00 p.m.

Simple Joe who is mad for the horses thought he had a sure winner the other day at the track. The tote board listed his horse as starting at 25 to 1, and he knew the race didn’t start until 1:00 p.m.

Doctor: What’s wrong with your bother?

Boy: He thinks he is a chicken.

Doctor: really? How long has this been going on?

Boy: Five years.

Doctor: Five years!

Boy: We would have brought him in earlier, but we needed the eggs.

Doctor: What’s wrong with your bother?

Boy: He thinks he is a chicken.

Doctor: really? How long has this been going on?

Boy: Five years.

Doctor: Five years!

Boy: We would have brought him in earlier, but we needed the eggs.

This guy was pulled over for running a stop sign. When the cop checked the man's driver's license, he said, "You're wearing glasses on your ID and you're not now. I'm going to have to give you a ticket."

The guy said, "Officer, I have contacts."

The cop said, "Look, buddy, I don't care who you know, ... I'm giving you a ticket."

This guy was pulled over for running a stop sign. When the cop checked the man's driver's license, he said, "You're wearing glasses on your ID and you're not now. I'm going to have to give you a ticket."

The guy said, "Officer, I have contacts."

The cop said, "Look, buddy, I don't care who you know, ... I'm giving you a ticket."

How many Victorian ladies does it take to change a lightbulb?

One hundred.

One to replace the bulb and ninety-nine to contract consumption and die beautiful, poetic deaths.

How many Victorian ladies does it take to change a lightbulb?

One hundred.

One to replace the bulb and ninety-nine to contract consumption and die beautiful, poetic deaths.

My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse.

Then she told me to take off her skirt.

Then she told me not to wear her clothes anymore.

My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse.

Then she told me to take off her skirt.

Then she told me not to wear her clothes anymore.

Do you know how to catch a squirrel?

Climb a tree and act like a nut!

Do you know how to catch a squirrel?

Climb a tree and act like a nut!

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."

The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this, I'm a United States congressman!"

The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!"

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."

The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this, I'm a United States congressman!"

The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!"

Little Sue was standing in front of her mirror with her eyes closed.

“Why are you standing there with your eyes closed?” asked her sister.

“So I can see what I look like when I’m asleep,” she replied.

Little Sue was standing in front of her mirror with her eyes closed.

“Why are you standing there with your eyes closed?” asked her sister.

“So I can see what I look like when I’m asleep,” she replied.

A lawyer who was upset at the verdict that was handed down to his client at the end of the case said. “Your honor with all due respect I accept your ruling. But if it may please the Court sir I'd like to know just WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE!

A lawyer who was upset at the verdict that was handed down to his client at the end of the case said. “Your honor with all due respect I accept your ruling. But if it may please the Court sir I'd like to know just WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE!

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

The olympian skier Picabo Street now works in the Intensive Care Unit at a hospital. Unfortunately, the administration told her she can no longer answer the phone, because this is what she said, "Picabo ICU" (Peek-a-boo, I see you)

The olympian skier Picabo Street now works in the Intensive Care Unit at a hospital. Unfortunately, the administration told her she can no longer answer the phone, because this is what she said, "Picabo ICU" (Peek-a-boo, I see you)

Q: What's the slowest thing on 80 wheels?

A: A Mexican funeral with only two sets of jumper cables.

Q: What's the slowest thing on 80 wheels?

A: A Mexican funeral with only two sets of jumper cables.

Teacher: Now, you must not say, “I ain’t goin’.” You should say, “I am not going, he is not going; we are not going; they are not going.”

Student: Wow! Ain’t nobody goin’ then?

Teacher: Now, you must not say, “I ain’t goin’.” You should say, “I am not going, he is not going; we are not going; they are not going.”

Student: Wow! Ain’t nobody goin’ then?

1- Bring your pet on the plane and then act like an animal.

2- Shove your bag into the first bin you see and then walk to your seat in the back of the plane.

3- Think that because you’re on a plane you’re of duty as a parent.

4- Drag on an oversize bag that's too heavy to lift by your self.

5- Gripe that you haven't been seated in the roomy exit row seat.

6- Act like you don't know the meaning of the words "under the seat in front of you".

7- Whine about the high cost of flying...

1- Bring your pet on the plane and then act like an animal.

2- Shove your bag into the first bin you see and then walk to your seat in the back of the plane.

3- Think that because you’re on a plane you’re of duty as a parent.

4- Drag on an oversize bag that's too heavy to lift by your self.

5- Gripe that you haven't been seated in the roomy exit row seat.

6- Act like you don't know the meaning of the words "under the seat in front of you".

7- Whine about the high cost of flying...

A woman rushes into a hardware store and said, “Can I have a muse trap, please? And will you be quick – I’ve a bus to catch.”

“Sorry, ma’am,” said the assistant, “we don’t sell ‘em that big!”

A woman rushes into a hardware store and said, “Can I have a muse trap, please? And will you be quick – I’ve a bus to catch.”

“Sorry, ma’am,” said the assistant, “we don’t sell ‘em that big!”

One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work.

Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ''Are you really going to let him get away with this?''

''No, I guess not,'' says God.

The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.

Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you let him do that?''

To this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?''

One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work.

Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ''Are you really going to let him get away with this?''

''No, I guess not,'' says God.

The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.

Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you let him do that?''

To this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?''

Tony was a pianist and was practicing late one night. There was a tap on the door, when he opened it his landlord was standing outside the door. He asked; “do you know there is a sick lady upstairs?"

Tony answered, “no, I haven’t heard that song. Can you please hum it a little?"

Tony was a pianist and was practicing late one night. There was a tap on the door, when he opened it his landlord was standing outside the door. He asked; “do you know there is a sick lady upstairs?"

Tony answered, “no, I haven’t heard that song. Can you please hum it a little?"

This young man was elated when he turned eighteen in a state where curfew is 11:00 p.m. for any one under seventeen years of age. He told his Dad how happy he was that now he could stay out until 3:00 a.m. if he wanted. “Yes you can stay out as late as you want, but the car is under seventeen and it has to be in the garage by eleven.” His father said.

This young man was elated when he turned eighteen in a state where curfew is 11:00 p.m. for any one under seventeen years of age. He told his Dad how happy he was that now he could stay out until 3:00 a.m. if he wanted. “Yes you can stay out as late as you want, but the car is under seventeen and it has to be in the garage by eleven.” His father said.

Mary goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it. Mary walks over to the artist and says, “I don’t understand your paintings.”

“I paint what I feel inside me,” explains the artist.

“Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?”

Mary goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it. Mary walks over to the artist and says, “I don’t understand your paintings.”

“I paint what I feel inside me,” explains the artist.

“Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?”

If you had purchased $1,000 of AIG stock one year ago, you would have $42 left. With Lehman, you would have $6.60 left. With Fannie or Freddie, you would have less than $5 left But if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all of the beer, then turn in the cans for the aluminum recycling Refund, you would have had $214. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. It’s called the 401-Keg…..

If you had purchased $1,000 of AIG stock one year ago, you would have $42 left. With Lehman, you would have $6.60 left. With Fannie or Freddie, you would have less than $5 left But if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all of the beer, then turn in the cans for the aluminum recycling Refund, you would have had $214. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. It’s called the 401-Keg…..

Q: What's the only difference between ass kissing and brown nosing?

A: Depth perception.

Q: What's the only difference between ass kissing and brown nosing?

A: Depth perception.

Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull his pants down?

A: He heard the snowblower coming.

Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull his pants down?

A: He heard the snowblower coming.

Banta's son: Dad there is some one on the door to collect donations for a swimming pool.

Banta: Give him a glass of water.

Banta's son: Dad there is some one on the door to collect donations for a swimming pool.

Banta: Give him a glass of water.

How can you tell the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?

Snow balls

How can you tell the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?

Snow balls

Q: How did the blonde put out her cigarette?

A: She threw it in the water and stepped on it.

Q: How did the blonde put out her cigarette?

A: She threw it in the water and stepped on it.

Patty met Eric and said; that’s a nice suit you are wearing.

Eric: Oh, do you like it?

Patty: Yes, who went for the fitting?

Patty met Eric and said; that’s a nice suit you are wearing.

Eric: Oh, do you like it?

Patty: Yes, who went for the fitting?

Once there was a church that had a bell that no one could ring. One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. So the boy went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell, face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The shocked priest gave him the job. But one Sunday, he ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed and fell off the tower and died.
"Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? Because I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."

Once there was a church that had a bell that no one could ring. One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. So the boy went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell, face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The shocked priest gave him the job. But one Sunday, he ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed and fell off the tower and died.
"Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? Because I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."

Q: What do you call a dog with no hind legs and metal balls?

A: Sparky!

Q: What do you call a dog with no hind legs and metal balls?

A: Sparky!

On a plane, a man and his wife are offered tea and both accept. The man tries to be sweet to his wife, saying “Pass the sugar, sugar.... Pass the honey, honey.”

Then he says, “Pass the tea, you old bag.”

On a plane, a man and his wife are offered tea and both accept. The man tries to be sweet to his wife, saying “Pass the sugar, sugar.... Pass the honey, honey.”

Then he says, “Pass the tea, you old bag.”

Q: What did the traffic light say to the car?

A: Don't look I'm changing!

Q: What did the traffic light say to the car?

A: Don't look I'm changing!

"Some plants," said the teacher, "have the prefix 'dog'. For instance, there is the dogrose, the dogwood, the dogviolet. Now name another plant prefixed by 'dog'."

"I can," shouted a blonde. "Collieflower!"

"Some plants," said the teacher, "have the prefix 'dog'. For instance, there is the dogrose, the dogwood, the dogviolet. Now name another plant prefixed by 'dog'."

"I can," shouted a blonde. "Collieflower!"

Which is faster, hot or cold?

Hot -- because you can catch a cold!

Which is faster, hot or cold?

Hot -- because you can catch a cold!

At an international medical conference, and American, a German and a Russian were discussing the shortcomings of their diagnoses.

The American said; “I can’t stand it sometimes, “We treat patients for cancer, and they die of AIDS.” “I know what you mean,” said the German “We treat them for yellow fever; ant it turns out they had malaria.” “We don’t have that problem in our country,” said the Russian doctor. “When we treat patients for a disease, they die of that disease.”

At an international medical conference, and American, a German and a Russian were discussing the shortcomings of their diagnoses.

The American said; “I can’t stand it sometimes, “We treat patients for cancer, and they die of AIDS.” “I know what you mean,” said the German “We treat them for yellow fever; ant it turns out they had malaria.” “We don’t have that problem in our country,” said the Russian doctor. “When we treat patients for a disease, they die of that disease.”