A first grade teacher was looking at her students as they were trying out their desk computers. One boy was staring at the screen, looking dumbstruck and confused. The teacher came and read what was on the screen and in her most reassuring voice said, “The computer wants to know what your name is."
The boy then leaned over and whispered, “My name is David."
Over a remote Scottish island a helicopter lost power and was forced to make an emergency landing. Luckily there was a small cottage nearby. The pilot walked over to it and knocked on the door. “Is there a mechanic in the area?” he asked the woman who answered the door. She scratched her head and thought for a few seconds. “No,” she finally said, pointing down the road, “but we do have a McArdle and a McKay.”
A couple is lying in bed, and then all of a sudden the guy grabs a piece of toilet paper, and starts rubbing it between her wives breasts....
Then after a while the wife asks angry what he is doing...
Well the guys says: well I hope that your breast get bigger by doing that...
The wife says angry: do you really think they will get bigger by doing that !!
Well the guy says: well it worked for your ass..
A father and his son are walking in the grocery store, and they are passing the condom rack.. The kid stops and looks...
then he says.. Dad, why are there so many different packages of condoms.. ?
The father says: well my son, everybody has their own needs, so also different packages...
ah.. the kid says..
So why is there a 4 pack ?
Dad says: well that is for the students.. Every week they party, so one for each week in the month...
ah.. the kid says..
So why is there a 7 pack ?
Dad says: well that is for the loved ones.. 1 for each day.
ah.. the kid says again.
So why is there a 12 pack then ?
Dad sighs deeply and says.. Well son that is for the married people like me, one for each month !!
Mo attends to a revival and listens to the sermon. After a while, the pastor asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over. Mo gets in line and, when it’s his turn the pastor asks, “Mo, what do you want me to pray about?” Mo says, “Pastor, I need you to pray for my hearing.” So the pastor puts one finger in Mo’s ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays for a while. He removes his hands and says, “Mo how’s your hearing now?” Mo says, “I don’t know pastor, it’s not until next Monday.
Three young boys were boasting about their grandpas. The first boy said: "My grandpa is a great swimmer. He can swim for hours before getting out of the water!" The second boy said, "That's nothing. My grandpa always goes swimming at 6:00 in the morning every day, and only comes back at 9:00 pm because my mom says he has to!" The third boy says, "Your grandpas are both bad at swimming! My grandpa started swimming in this pond 20 years ago, and he hasn't come out since!!!"
A man receives a call from his Credit Card Company, “Sir, we have detected an unusual pattern of spending on your card, and we are calling to see if everything is alright.”
“Yes,” replied the man. “My card was stolen over a month ago.” “Why didn’t you report your card as stolen?” asked the card company representative. The man replied, “Well, whoever stole my card is spending a lot less than my wife!”
Trying to come to the aid of his Dad, who was stopped by an officer for speeding, the mischievous child piped up, “Yeah? Well, if we were speeding, so were you!”
"Whom would you like to invite for your upcoming wedding ceremony?" Father asked his son
"All except you and mom" the Son replied
"But why" Father angrily shouted
"Had you bothered to invite me for your ceremony!" the Son pleaded.
A politician was walking home from the county courthouse the evening of Election Day when he came upon a young boy sitting on the curb, bawling his eyes out.
"Why are you crying?" the politician asked.
"My dad died," the boy replied.
"That's terrible, when did it happen?"
"Five years ago," the boy said.
"Five years ago? And you are still this upset?"
"It's not that," the boy said. "It's just that my dad voted today, but he didn't come to see me."
Q: Bush has a short one. Sarkozy has a long one. Cher does not use hers. What is it?
A: A last name.
Sign in a Police Station: It takes about 3500 bolts to put a car together; but only one nut to scatter it all over the road.
A man owned a very intelligent dog so, after a long period of time, taught him how to play poker. The dog did very well and won a lot of pots until the owner had to pull him out of the games. “He realized that whenever the dog held a really good hand he wagged his tail.”
The undertaker called the next of kin to confirm the funeral arrangements desired for the dear departed. As luck would have it the son-in-law who was actually delighted to be red of the old battle-ax answered the phone.
“We’re sorry to disturb you in this time of personal grief,” the undertaker uttered solemnly, “but appears to be some confusion as to whether the body of the loved one is to be buried or cremated.”
“Let’s not take any chances,” “Do both” said the son-in-law.
Two old-time political aides are walking through a shabby, overgrown cemetery, writing down names from the headstones.
One of the men works very fast, stopping only by upright stones where he can read the names clearly.
The other works deliberately, gone from one stone to the next, kneeling down and clearing away the grass and wiping away the grime in order to see the name clearly.
"Why are you spending so much time doing that?" the first man asked.
"I'll tell you," the second man said. "This is a free country with a Constitution and everything. Each one of the people has as much right as the next to cast his vote."
An idiot called the airport for flight information. "How long is your flight from Los Angeles to Denver?” he asked. "Just a minute," the pleasant agent replied. "Thank You" he said and hung up.
Three vampires walk into a bar. The bartender looks at him suspiciously, but decides to serve them anyway. "What’ll be, boys?"
The first vampire says "Blood. Give me blood."
The second vampire says "I too wish for blood!"
The third vampire says "Give me plasma."
The Bartender smiles and says "Got it. Two bloods, and a blood-light."
Q: Why is it so hard to replace Vanna White?
A: They can't find another blonde who knows the whole alphabet.
An attorney ran over to the office of his client. “I can’t believe it!” said the angered attorney. “You sent a case of Dom Perignon to the judge in our case? That judge is as straight as an arrow. Now we’re certain to lose this case!” “Relax,” said the client, “I sent it in the prosecutor’s name.”
A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.
The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies, "Autumn."
A guy walks into Dunkin’ Donuts. He says. “Excuse me; miss … how many cups of coffee do you think this thermos will hold?” The girl says, “I think it’s a seven-cup thermos.” The guy says, “All right …. Give me two black, three cream and sugar.”
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guest sitting in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guest sitting in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
With a screech of brakes, an ambulance pulls up at the local casualty ward and a hippie is wheeled out on a gurney. The doctor questions his long-haired colleagues.
''So what was he doing then?'' asks the physician. ''Acid? Cannabis?''
''Sort of,'' replies one of the hippies, nervously thumbing his caftan. ''But we ran out of gear, so I skinned up a homemade spliff.''
''And what was in that?'' asks the doctor.
''Um, I kind of raided my girlfriend's spice rack.'' says the hippie. ''There was a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a little paprika.''
''Well, that explains it,'' the doctor replies, looking at them gravely. ''He is in a Korma.''
With a screech of brakes, an ambulance pulls up at the local casualty ward and a hippie is wheeled out on a gurney. The doctor questions his long-haired colleagues.
''So what was he doing then?'' asks the physician. ''Acid? Cannabis?''
''Sort of,'' replies one of the hippies, nervously thumbing his caftan. ''But we ran out of gear, so I skinned up a homemade spliff.''
''And what was in that?'' asks the doctor.
''Um, I kind of raided my girlfriend's spice rack.'' says the hippie. ''There was a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a little paprika.''
''Well, that explains it,'' the doctor replies, looking at them gravely. ''He is in a Korma.''
Q: How many US Attorney Generals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: I cannot recall that particular answer at this time.
Q: How many US Attorney Generals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: I cannot recall that particular answer at this time.
After the telephone was installed in her home, the lady called the operator.
"My telephone cord is too long,” she said. “Would you please pull it a little from your end?"
After the telephone was installed in her home, the lady called the operator.
"My telephone cord is too long,” she said. “Would you please pull it a little from your end?"
Q: How do you know you can't trust doctors and lawyers?
A: Because they both "practice" their professions.
Q: How do you know you can't trust doctors and lawyers?
A: Because they both "practice" their professions.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a cat?
A: One is an arrogant creature that will claw you out of house and money, and the other is a cat.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a cat?
A: One is an arrogant creature that will claw you out of house and money, and the other is a cat.
A kindergarten teacher asked: "What is the shape of the earth?"
After a pause a little girl spoke up: "According to my Daddy…terrible!"
A kindergarten teacher asked: "What is the shape of the earth?"
After a pause a little girl spoke up: "According to my Daddy…terrible!"
A stoner stumbles out of a party, and starts to walk home
One the way he bumps into a guy who is all bloody and mangled.
The guy limps up to the stoner and says "Call me an ambulance!"
The stoner looks at him for a second, smiles and says, "You're an ambulance!"
A stoner stumbles out of a party, and starts to walk home
One the way he bumps into a guy who is all bloody and mangled.
The guy limps up to the stoner and says "Call me an ambulance!"
The stoner looks at him for a second, smiles and says, "You're an ambulance!"
- You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.
- Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay still."
- Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
- You'd rather have a pencil jammed up your nose than be exposed to sunlight.
- You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
- You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
- The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
- All day long your motto is, "Never again."
- You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
- Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"
- You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.
- Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay still."
- Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
- You'd rather have a pencil jammed up your nose than be exposed to sunlight.
- You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
- You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
- The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
- All day long your motto is, "Never again."
- You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
- Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"
The boozer took careful aim at the bird, but hit a frog. He picked it up, studied it, scratched his head and said, “Well, anyhow I knocked its feathers off.”
The boozer took careful aim at the bird, but hit a frog. He picked it up, studied it, scratched his head and said, “Well, anyhow I knocked its feathers off.”
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