A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an
amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the
mother's labour pain to the baby's father.
He asked if they were interested, Both said they were very much in favour of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer..

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain,
and the husband had experienced none.
She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch.

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

"Mother, where do babies come from?"

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex."

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey." The child seems to comprehend.

"Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?"

"Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry."

A wife is with his husband at the doctor.
The husband doesn't feel to well, so has a checkup...

The doctor tells the wife after the checkup:
Ur husband is suffering from severe stress, and if this stress doesn't go away he will die.
So to cure him, you need to do the following:

- make a healthy breakfast for him every day.
- be nice to him all the time
- make sure his lunch is very healthy
- don't let him do any chores
- don't nag
- and have sex a few times a week...

Doing this for a year or so, and he'll recover completely.

So on the way to home, the husband asks what the doctor told her.
The wife says: you are going to die !!

this one is for the girls out there.. enjoy:

Why it's better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

You keep asking me questions that you know I have to lie at. 'Do I look fat?' 'Nah, no.' If you wasn't fat, you wouldn't have asked. That's why you asked the question. Skinny people don't say, 'Do I look fat?' Skinny people say, 'Do you want to eat? Would you like to have a sandwich?'

The Antartian reported for her university final examination which consisted of "yes/no" type questions. She took her seat in the examination hall and stared at the question paper for five minutes.

In a fit of inspiration, she took her purse out, removed a coin and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she was all done, whereas the rest of the class was still sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, she was seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approached her and asked what was going on. Her reply was, "I finished the exam in half and hour, but I'm rechecking my answers."

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown
to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car,
he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his
hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her
way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story
If you are not well informed in your job,
you might miss a great opportunity.

A farmer walks into a lawyer's office and says: "I'd like to get one of them-thar day-vorce-ees" "Yes sir, I believe I can help you" replied the lawyer. "Do you have any grounds?" "Oh shore do!", exclaimed the farmer, "Got me bout a 140 acres out back a the house thar." "No no..., I mean do you have a case?" asked the lawyer. "No sur," replied the farmer, "I drive one of them John Deer's" "You don't understand," said the lawyer, "You need something like a grudge." "Oh!!" said the farmer, "I got me one of those! That's what I park muh Deer in!" The lawyer, a bit frustrated responded, "Sir, you've got to have a reason to divorce your wife. Does she beat you up or anything?" "No sur", replied the farmer, "I purt near get outta bed afore her ever mornin." Finally the exasperated lawyer shouted, "WHY do you want a divorce?" "Oh, well..." replied the farmer, "She says we jus can't communicate!!"

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

The ideal wife, told by a guy that wanna stay anomous

When I was 16, I hoped one day I would have just a girlfriend.

When I was 20, I had one, but there was no passion and broke up, and was looking for one with passion for life

When I was 24, I had a gf that had passion, but sadly way to emotional and full of drama. Even suicidal, so again I broke up.
and was looking for a more stabile gf.

when I was 25, I had a stable woman as gf, but she was very dull and boring. Quite predictable and never happy about anything.
So broke up again, and start looking for a girl that was full of energy and happy.

when I was 28, I found an exciting woman full of energy, but she was really hard to follow. She was always rushing and never settled.
She never knew what she wanted, and was flirting all the time.
She made me quite nervous and I had the feeling it couldn't go anywhere. Totally no sense of direction.
So broke again, and started looking for gf with more ambition.

when I was 31, I found a very intelligent and ambitious woman that was very solid and stable. And we got married.
but sadly she was so ambitious that she filed for divorce and took everything away from me...

Now I'm 33, and now I am just looking for a woman with big boobs

Women's English:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You will pay for this later
We need to talk = I want to complain
Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You sweat a lot and you need to shave
Your certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you think about?
Be romantic, turn off the lights = I don't want you to see my flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = And carpeting and furniture and wallpaper . . . .
Hang the picture there = NO! I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I am about to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you aren't going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up
Nothing really = Your such an ass hole

Men's English:
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out for dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress = Nice cleavage
You look tense, let me give you a masssage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex tonight?
I love you = There I said it, Let's have sex now
I love you too = Now we have to have sex!
Let's talk = I am trying to prove to you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'll have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it ille

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed amost
unusual funeral procession.
A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the
first. Behind the second coffin
was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of
200 men walking in single line.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity.

He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your
loss, and I know now is a
bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with
so many of you walking in single line.
Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife."

> "What happened to her?"
>
> The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
>
> He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?"
>
> The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
> when the dog attacked and killed her also."
>
> A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
> Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog?"
>
> The man replied "Join the queue."

A woman is really having heavy migraines, and decided to do some therapy.. The doctor suggest that she has to stand in front of the mirror every day, and say: I don't have any headache, I don't have any headache.... etc.

So she tried, and after a while she didn't have any headache anymore.
So very happy she goes to her husband and said he should try it also, coz his "sexual performance" wasn't that great for a while...
He said yes, quite reluctant...

That night the guy comes out of the bathroom before going to bed, and had sex with his wife. The wife was really surprised and happy, coz it was the best she ever had. And asked for a second round...
So the guy says: okies, let me go to bathroom, and I come right back...
Okies she said...

So guy comes back after bathroom, and again give her a "good one".
The wife is soo happy and asked for other round...

Okies the guy said, and went back to bathroom.
A bit curious what he is doing in the bathroom, so decides to check on him... Then she saw him standing in front of the mirror and say:

It's not my wife, It's not my wife, It's not my wife

A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the men's room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the men's' room door, it was "OCCUPIED".

The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the Ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The Buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP, and ATR".

Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway. He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!" Still curious he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The Button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".

When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!"

The nurse replied, "Yes you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow!"

One guy had a really bad day.
His day started off wrong when he woke up way too late.
Then when he got to his car, it didn't wanna start. So had to take a cab to work. Then he missed an important meeting at work. His boss got so angry that he got fired on the spot at work.
But his bad luck didn't stop there.. On the way home he took a cab.
he payed the cab with some pocket change.
When standing in-front of his house, he discovered he left his bag in the cab with his wallet, and phone... Cab was gone.

When he entered his house, he saw his wife having sex with other guy.
Out of shock/anger he grabs some money from the table and heads to the bar to drink away his misery.

Once in the bar a big trucker is sitting down next to him.. The guy checks him out, and sees him being down. Then suddenly the trucker grabs the guy's beer and drinks it up in one go...
Then all of a sudden the guy starts to cry..
The trucker is shocked, and says: oh , i'm only joking man.. I'll buy you a new beer...

The guy says: well it is not that.
I just have a really bad day. Lost my job, lost my wife, lost my wallet.
And now that I just have decided to kill myself, you drink up my beer with my poison in it...